


While We Were Apart

by meantforinfinitesadness



Series: Infinite Sadness [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Ahsoka's a good grand-padawan, Empire, Implied/Reference Child Death, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jedi Temple, Jedi purge, Nightmares, Obi-Wan Kenobi Gets a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Post-Order 66, Rebellion, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, This is Obi-Wan we're talking about here people, Trauma, Zigoola, she's here for him.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:01:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24010036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meantforinfinitesadness/pseuds/meantforinfinitesadness
Summary: Ahsoka and Obi-Wan talk about what happened after they parted ways months ago.
Series: Infinite Sadness [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675555
Comments: 12
Kudos: 95





	While We Were Apart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Yeetmetospace](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeetmetospace/gifts).



> This is not the sequel to Unexpected Kindess. It's just an in-between of 2 chapters where Obi-Wan and Ahsoka talk about a few things that happened when they parted ways. You know. When Ahsoka was on Mandalore and Obi-Wan appeared via Holo? That parting.
> 
> And yes! This is a gift! Yeetmetospace wanted this! you get it! It's yours because i love and appreciate you!!!!
> 
> Anywho, happy May the 4th!!! I hope you're all having a wonderful day!!!!!

“So, tell me what’s been happening with you?” She sees Obi-Wan’s smile and her heart feels just a bit lighter. That smile brought her a lot of comfort during the war, and she’d always been grateful for what he’d do for her. 

“Well, you know I went to Utapau to kill General Grievous.” She nods at the fact. She remembered the small conversation the two had on Mandalore before everything fell apart. “I succeeded.” Ahsoka snorts and Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow.

“I never had any doubt that you would.” Obi-Wan huffs and rolls his eyes.

“It seems that the only ones that  _ did _ have a doubt were me and Grievous.” The one thing Ahsoka didn’t miss about her Grand-Master was his ability to think so lowly of himself. He was scarily good at it and it had always worried her. She didn’t understand how someone like Obi-Wan could look down on themselves as much as he did. 

Her answer came in the form of Anakin. 

It was something she had asked her Master one night and Anakin had been more than happy to enlighten her. 

_ “It’s funny that you’d ask that.” Her Master asked one night before their meditations. Ahsoka had tilted her head at the soft look on his face. “I asked that same question when I was his Padawan.” A look of contemplation graced her Master’s face and Ahsoka sat patiently for his answer. “I didn’t have a Grand-Master to ask. Qui-Gon died not long after I met him. But I always noticed that Obi-Wan had an issue with himself.” _

_ “Who did you ask?” _

_ “Who do you think?” Anakin asked back, an eyebrow raised as she thinks. He doesn’t give her time to answer. “I asked a few people, but I mostly asked Master Plo and Master Windu.” Ahsoka’s eyes widened in surprise. _

_ “You asked Master Windu?” Anakin laughed and nodded. _

_ “I know. I was surprised too, but I heard that Windu and Qui-Gon used to be friends.” That was an odd combination. Sure, she never knew Master Qui-Gon but Ahsoka heard stories about him from other Jedi. _

_ It was hard to believe that Obi-Wan was practically raised by Master Qui-Gon. _

_ “What I found out was kind of rough. I was told that Obi-Wan had always been like that. When he was young, he was in danger of being aged out and sent to the Agricorps. There were no Knights or Masters who wanted to train him. He had a problem with his anger.” Ahsoka’s brain ached at what was being revealed. “From what I understand, Qui-Gon was Obi-Wan’s last chance. But, Qui-Gon didn’t want him.”  _

_ “So, how did they end up together?” _

_ “Obi-Wan was sent to Bandomeer for the Agricorps and Qui-Gon was on the same shuttle headed Bandomeer as well.” _

_ “The Force played a part in this.” Anakin hums and inclines his head. _

_ “That’s what I believe.” Ahsoka thinks this over as Anakin continues. “Long story short, things happened and they were thrown together. Obi-Wan only became Qui-Gon’s Padawan after Bandomeer happened. Qui-Gon never wanted him and Obi-Wan thought he had to be the perfect Padawan. So he tried to never make mistakes, but we all do. Even him.” _

_ “He would get upset when he did make mistakes, didn’t he?” Ahsoka asks a calm look on her face speaking nothing of how she felt on the inside. _

_ “They’re relationship was always rocky. And yes, he would beat himself up over the mistakes. The thought that he was never good enough was constant in his mind. He struggled with that and he still does.” Anakin sighed and looked down at his lap. “I didn’t help matters much.” Ahsoka doesn’t speak as Anakin gathers his words. “Did you know I wasn’t supposed to be trained? I was too old. Obi-Wan knew that and so did the Council. Master Qui-Gon didn’t seem to care. He only worried about the prophecy and that’s what strained his relationship with Obi-Wan even more.” _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “You know how Obi-Wan always seems to have bad feelings about things?” Ahsoka nods. “It’s a sort of ability he has. It’s never led him astray. It’s almost like seeing the future. Almost like visions. Qui-Gon urged him to keep his focus on the present and to not dwell on the future.”  _

_ “He discounted his feelings and visions,” Ahsoka said, a finger on her chin as she thinks this over. _

_ “Exactly.” _

_ “He believed in the prophecy though. That speaks of the future.” _

_ “I know,” Anakin mumbles before continuing on. “I wasn’t supposed to be trained, but Qui-Gon wouldn’t have it. He wanted me as his Padawan Learner, but he already had Obi-Wan. It was like Qui-Gon forgot Obi-Wan existed for that moment.” Anakin ran a hand through his unruly hair. “He had to be reminded that he had a Padawan already. You can’t have two Padawans. So, Qui-Gon pushed for Obi-Wan to take the Trials. He even said Obi-Wan still had much to learn but that he was ready for his Trials. And Obi-Wan agreed with him.” Anakin shakes his head. “I asked about that moment a while back. I asked Master Plo and he confirmed what I thought. Obi-Wan believed he was being thrown to the side. Qui-Gon never wanted him and Obi-Wan was just waiting for the day to come that he would be cast aside like he was nothing.” _

_ “He doesn’t think he’s good enough because of his upbringing.” Ahsoka summarizes. Her heart felt heavy at the thought of it. _

_ “He’s gotten better,” Anakin says, his voice lighter as he speaks about his Master. “Again, I didn’t help much during those years as his Padawan, but he’s so much better. He still has his moments of doubts and I don’t know how to stop those, but he’s better.”  _

_ He’s better. He’s better. He’s better. _

_ That was a mantra that was placed in her mind.  _

_ Anakin spoke of the times Obi-Wan’s worthlessness washed over him with a sad look. He even mentioned the time when Obi-Wan was asked to join the Council, though this was spoken of with a wide grin. _

_ Her Grand-Master had her issues, but that’s what made him perfect in her eyes. _

“I thought you were better about doubting yourself.” Obi-Wan smiles at her with red-tinged cheeks that spoke of embarrassment. 

“Yes well, it’s hard to do that when things fall apart so quickly.” His voice and smile drop and Ahsoka can’t help but feel hurt for him. He looked so tired and worn. He looked exhausted. “The last good memory I have of Cody is him handing my lightsaber back to me after Grievous was defeated.” Obi-Wan continues, though Ahsoka just wants to stop him and hold onto him for a while. “I was leaving when I was shot at. My men don’t miss.” Obi-Wan chuckles though it’s not humorous at all. “I should be glad this was the one time they did.” The silence is heavy and Ahsoka can’t help but feel like it’s only going to thicken the more Obi-Wan spoke.

This was another thing that bothered her. It was like pain followed him wherever he went. Sadness was a constant companion, but he always seemed so happy in the face of all that he’d gone through. 

“Did you ever go back to the Temple?” His soft question catches her off-guard. The Temple? The Jedi Temple on Coruscant?

“No.” She answered with confusion and wariness. She didn’t want to know where this was heading. She remembered what she had felt before Order 66 happened. The things she heard and felt. They still haunted her.

“I think it’s a good thing you haven’t.” Obi-Wan’s expressive eyes are trained on his hands as they fiddle with the fabric of his pants. “I’ve never felt so cold in my life.” He whispers. “Zigoola was one thing, but this? What I walked into? Zigoola was nothing compared to that.” Ahsoka feels a chill race down her back. 

She remembered the aftermath of Zigoola. 

Obi-Wan couldn’t do much. Migraines and headaches had always been normal for him, but the ones after Zigoola were worse. 

She remembered shacking up with him and Anakin when Obi-Wan was finally cleared to move back to his quarters. Anakin didn’t want to leave him alone, and she knew Obi-Wan didn’t want to be alone.

The cries she heard at night and the constant shivering of her Grand-Master only spoke of a few horrors that occurred on that planet.

“In War, we see a lot of death. It’s a given and it’s not something we can always escape.” He doesn’t meet her eyes, and Ahsoka finds she doesn’t care. “There’s something different about seeing the bodies of children lying lifeless before you. Especially if you knew some of them.” Ahsoka gasps as the chill doubles. “I entered the Temple with Master Yoda. Ahsoka,” he glances up at her with tears in his eyes. “It was so cold. They were lifeless. Blaster bolts riddled their bodies, but there was more than that. We found lightsaber wounds on their bodies as well.” His voice breaks and tears trickle down his cheeks and into his beard. Ahsoka doesn’t hold back on her own tears. “I found younglings hiding in the Council Chamber. They must have thought they would be safe there.” A sob escapes her throat and a hand covers her mouth. “I knew who did it. I didn’t want to believe it, but-”

Ahsoka throws herself forward. Her arms wrap around the shaking body of her Grand-Master and the two dissolve into a fit of tears.

For at least 10 minutes, the only sounds in the first room of the Lars home are sniffs and sobs. 

Eventually, they break away and Ahsoka urges Obi-Wan to continue. They both know they need to hear the rest.

Besides, Ahsoka isn’t sure he’s really spoken to anyone about this.

_ Then again, maybe he’s spoken to the Larses. _

“Anakin agreed to be Apprenticed to Lord Sidious.” Obi-Wan’s voice is shaky and he swallows a few times before continuing. Ahsoka doesn’t rush him. How could she? This was Anakin they were talking about. He was practically Obi-Wan’s son. “I couldn’t kill him. How could I? He was my brother.” A pause and Ahsoka dreads the rest. “I loved him.” He whispers. He clears his throat and shifts on the couch. “I didn’t kill him. At least, at the time I thought I had. I’m not proud of what I did.” He drops his eyes again and it’s something he does a lot. Ahsoka never noticed it before. “I left him to die after cutting off his remaining limbs.” Obi-Wan left him his durasteel hand. That was it. “I left. I had to get Padme out of there.” Ahsoka’s breathing hitches and Obi-Wan looks up. “I suppose I forgot to mention that.” He smiles a little.

“Yeah, you did.” She replies a smile on her face to calm his worry.

“She was pregnant. At the time she thought it was one child. She wanted to save Anakin.” Obi-Wan sighs and shakes his head. His hands go back to fiddling with the fraying fabric. “She followed him to Mustafar. He nearly killed her.” Another sniff from Obi-Wan fills the silence. “I got her on the ship and to Polis Massa to hopefully get her help.”

Ahsoka knows Padme’s dead. The whole galaxy knows. How could they not?

“She died in childbirth.” Ahsoka quirks an eyebrow and though Obi-Wan’s eyes are dropped, it’s as though he can feel the motion. “I know what your thinking.” He shakes his head. “She was fine, but she just gave up. It was as though she died-”

“Of a broken heart.” Ahsoka cuts in with a soft voice full of sorrow. “And her child?”

“Twins,” Obi-Wan says, brightening slightly as he brings them up. “A girl and a boy. The girl lives with Bail on Alderaan. Her name is Leia and she’s wonderful. The boy lives here with Beru and Owen. His name is Luke and I think you’ll love him.” Ahsoka smiles at his joy.

“How did you get here?” Obi-Wan looks at her with a quirk of his lips.

“Someone had to bring Luke here.” He informs her and she rolls her eyes at his answer. “I was going to watch the boy and train him if the time came.” He stops and briefly looks behind him then back to her. “Owen didn’t like me much. He wanted me to stay away from Luke. So, I found a place to live out in the Jundland Wastes. I watched Luke as best as I could without getting in the sight of Owen.”

“But you’re here now.” Obi-Wan nods and bites his lip for a moment.

“Owen ran into me in Mos Eisley. It was my fault. I tried to pay attention to my surroundings, but I caught sight of a holo and some sentients were talking about it. The holo spoke about Darth Vader. I felt my world halt. I knew who that was. I thought he was dead.” Obi-Wan shakes his head. “Owen saw me and it was the oddest thing.” He has a fond smile on his face and Ahsoka knows this is the beginning of his new life. At least, the beginning of a better one. “I was a mess. I’m sure he saw that. I was afraid he was going to say something to me about staying away from Luke or something. At the time, I wasn’t sure I heard right, but now I know. He called my name but he said it with such worry that I thought I was going crazy.” Obi-Wan chuckles to himself. “It was odd to hear my name said with that much feeling from Owen. I left as quickly as I could after attempting to reassure him that I was alright.” Ahsoka snorts again and Obi-Wan rolls his eyes.

“You weren’t though.” 

“No, I wasn’t.” The confirmation of her thoughts is startling. That was another thing about Obi-Wan. He never let anyone know how he was feeling. He always kept it hidden, though his eyes always spoke of his emotions. “Nightmares are something I’m used to. I’m also used to being alone. Those are the reasons why I’m here now. Beru barged into my home, jolting me from a nightmare.” He confesses to the ex-Jedi. “She told me Owen was worried about me. She said her husband told her what had happened in Mos Eisley and I was so worried I caused a commotion in their home.”

“You’re good at that.” Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow. “Causing commotion. Whether it’s good or bad. Do you know how many times Cody called us on comms because he couldn’t find you or because you passed out in the middle of a briefing?” Obi-Wan grumbles and curls into himself. “Why is it so hard for you to believe that people worry about you?” Obi-Wan ignores the question, Ahsoka knows it’s not something he’ll talk about.

“I cried in her arms,” Obi-Wan mumbled. “She decided I needed to stay with them that night.” He sighs and continues picking at his pants. The thread has started to come undone. “One night turned into two. Two turned into a week. Here I am, still living with them.”

“There’s more. There’s a reason you’re so sick right now, right?” Obi-Wan grumbles and Ahsoka puffs up. She’d always been good at finding things people didn’t want to be found.

“Anakin broke through my shields. He spoke to me. He found me. He told me he sent Cody and that he knew Cody would always find me.” Ahsoka wilts at the confession. “I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. Qui-Gon helped me. He blocked Anakin, but I was still afraid.” Obi-Wan clears his throat and Ahsoka makes a note to ask about Qui-Gon later. “I woke up in a panic. I had broken chairs and a table. Owen was knocked out and Luke was screaming.” Obi-Wan brings his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around them. “I hurt them.”

“You left, didn’t you?” Obi-Wan nodded, his face red with shame.

“I left. I didn’t want to hurt them again. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I passed out after 2 weeks of no sleep in the middle of talking to Bail about you. Owen found me and brought me here. I tried to leave when I woke up but-”

“But Anakin’s mental attack drained you. Coupled with the fact that you weren’t eating or sleeping means you fell very ill.” Obi-Wan nods and looks her in the eye. 

“And here we are.” Ahsoka returns the nod.

“Here we are.” Obi-Wan clears his throat and shifts just a little in his spot. 

“Enough about me.” Ahsoka wilts and groans. Obi-Wan laughs and Ahsoka thinks that’s the best sound she’s heard in a while. “You don’t have to tell me everything. Just what you feel is necessary.” Ahsoka nods, grateful for Obi-Wan’s kindness in that regard.

“There’s not much to tell. Rex is with me. He survived. You know that.” Obi-Wan nods. “Well, I don’t know how happy you’ll be to hear this, but…” Ahsoka looks Obi-Wan’s falling face square on and steels herself for what comes next. “There’s a rebellion.” As she predicted, the color drains from Obi-Wan’s face. “It’s not very big, but we’re working to take down the Empire.”

“Oh.” 

“I know you don’t like the idea. I know you hate it.” Ahsoka places a hand on his arm. “It’s going to be alright. Everything you’ve gone through? It’ll all be alright. It’ll be ok.” 

She only hopes her words are enough to calm his fears.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sure I messed stuff up. I'm sure I missed some parts but i've done it. 
> 
> Next thing to post should be the first chapter of the sequel to Unexpected Kindess (or the one shots/drabbles I have. who really knows at this point).
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!!!!


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